College provided the opportunity for newness and the chance to do something different with my life. Instead of running from cops at kegs in the woods, I could drink in bars, frat houses and sororities!
That was much easier.
My GPA was something like 1.8 my first quarter of college. I was caught up in college life. It didn't take long for me to realize I was heading down the same path I was on in high school just from a different angle.
God was allowing me to check all my options before I turned to him. He is wise beyond measure. If there was a way NOT to follow him I would have taken it. I still didn't understand what being his was all about. I thought he loves me and I am going to heaven so what's the deal. My anchor was still solid but the water was rising, the chain was tight and something had to give.
Many of you may have seen the Matrix. A small but pivotal scene is when Neo decides to stay with with Trinity and her friends although he doesn't know what it means or what it will lead to.
It was so much like where I was on my journey.
I was staring down a road I had already been on that didn't lead to where I wanted to go. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, but I knew I didn't want to go there.
Around this time my uncle took his life due to alcoholism. This had a profound impact on all of us. For me it was a wake up call around my partying. If I kept doing what I was doing there weren't a lot of options about where I would end up.
Somewhere on my path I picked up an Amy Grant tape (yeah I know). Because Christian music was in its infant stage of development there was Sandy Patti and Amy Grant that I had heard of. At least Amy Grand was attractive and tried to be relevant. As I listened to one of her songs, I Have Decided, I knew that I had never really made a decision about Jesus. I knew about him, but didn't know him. So, without any other options, I made the decision to walk with Jesus. I decided this anchor thing would be what defined me. School, relationships, friends, or any other thing would not bring the sense of identity and purpose I was lacking. I had never fully gotten away from Jesus but I wasn't following him that's for sure. I knew about him, but I didn't know him. It was time to take this Christian thing seriously.
I didn't have role models, mentors or any blue prints for what this looked like. I just figured I needed to try harder.
I WAS THE WORST, MOST MISERABLE CHRISTIAN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sucked so bad at doing the right thing! I was constantly caught in the cycle of partying, feeling guilty, trying to read the Bible drunk, having shame over my lack of strength to partying feeling guilty, trying to read the Bible drunk...you get the picture. I yielded to nearly every temptation.
Drinking wasn't fun any more and when I did I was the buzz kill because I felt so guilty about being drunk!
I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't live the Christian life.
Put yourself in my shoes. I had tried everything I knew to do to be happy, successful or whatever else we are supposed to be and I wasn't! I even sucked at the God stuff! I was at the end of my rope. There was no tying a knot and I couldn't hold on.
Ever been there?